PenMouse

I am a simple woman with simple wish in life. To give the best of both worlds for the one that really matters to me. My husband and my kids. Sometimes I would like to think that I have everything in life… and wish to have them for the rest of my life. My better half just recently had a blast from the past, and I saw how confused he was. But that was because he doesn’t want to hurt me along the way. And up to this moment I thanked him for loving me endlessly, for standing by me thru thick and thin… Mahal, I may not always understand you and I am a bit a pain in the ass just wanted you know thanks for finding me along the way… I love you so much…

Panginoon, nagpupri at nagpapasalamat po kami sapagkat ikaw lamang po ang aming Diyos at tagapagligtas. Maraming salamat po sa kalakasan na inyong ibinibigay para malabanan ang kinakaharap ng aming bansa. Tunay nga po Panginoon na sadyang pinagpala ang ang aming bansang Pilipinas sa kabila ng krisis na hinaharap ng buong mundo. Nakangiti naming hinaharap ang bawat hamon at umaasang magtatapos din ang lahat. Tunay nga po Panginoon na naging sandalan namin ang inyong pagmamahal sa amin. Panginoon hipuin mo po ang mga taong nagdudulot ng mga bagay na nakapagpapahirap sa aming lahat. Papagalabin nyo po sa kanilang mga puso ang pagiging matuwid at paglilingkod ang syang unahin. Patawarin mo po kami sa aming patuloy na pagkakasala sa yo Panginoon. Tanggapin mo kaming muli sa iyong kaharian.

PARA SA BAYAN

Tunay nga po Panginoon na naguumapaw ang inyong pagpapala sa aming bayan, sa kabila ng mga rebolusyong nagaganap sa ibang lugar nanatiling matahimk ang aming bansa. Malaman po sana ng bawat isa na ang sagot sa lahat ng ito ay pagkakaisa, pagakakapantay-pantay, pagmamahal at pananalig sa inyo. Panginoon hipuin mo po ang mga taong nagdudulot ng mga bagay na nakapagpapahirap sa aming lahat. Papagalabin nyo po sa kanilang mga puso ang pagiging matuwid at paglilingkod ang syang unahin. 

PARA SA AKING PINAGLILINGKURAN

Itinataas ko po Panginoon ang kumpanyang aking pinapasukan, nawa’y bigyan mo sila ng tuloy-tuloy na pagpapala. Maraming pong umaasa sa kanilang kabutihang loob Panginoon. Kalakasan ang aking nais para sa kanilang buong pamilya. Nawa’y wag silang magsawang gumawa ng paraan para matulungan ang bayang ito. Patuloy mo pong bigyan ng kasagutan ang kanilang mga katanungan. Patuloy po silang maging mahinahon sa aming mga empleyado. Salamat po Panginoon at pinagtagpo nyo po aming landas tunay nga po na isa sila sa mga biyaya na lagi naming pinagpapasalamat. 

PARA SA AKING PAMILYA

Magpatuloy nawa ang pagmamahalan at pagmamalasakit sa isa’t isa. Magtulungan kung kinakailangan. Itinataas ko din panginoon ang kanilang kalusugan panginoon. Iligtas mo po sila sa anu mang sakuna at bantayan naawa po sila Panginoon ng inyong mga alagad sa Araw-araw.

PARA SA AKING MGA ANAK

Panginoon, Ilayo nyo po sila sa anu mang makakasakit sa kanila. Lumaki po sana silang naniniwala sa inyo at laging nasa ilalim ng inyong pagpapala. Patuloy po silang malusog sa pagpasok ng taon.

PARA SA AKING KABIYAK

Itinataas ko po sa inyo ang kalusugan ng aking asawa panginoon. Lagi nyo po syang babantayan sa kanyang mga lakad. Nawa’y patuloy na maging maayos ang aming relasyon. Papagalabin mo po ang pagmamahalan na sinumpaan namin sa harap mo. Patuloy kaming lumapit sa inyo sa taong darating. Buhayin muli ang aming relasyon sa inyo aking Panginoon at tagapagligtas. Dalagin ko po ang inyong pag-alalay sa aming mga desisyon sa ikabubuti ng aming pamilya.

PARA SA AKING SARILI

Patuloy mo po sana akong pagpapalain sa darating na taon. Hiling ko po’y pagmamahalan para sa aking mga mahal sa buhay. HUwag silang magkakasakit at maging masaya at payapa ang aking taon kasama ang mga taong may kaugnayan sa aking buhay. Maging mas mahinahon at maging mas masipag po sana ako sa taong darating aking Ama. Alam po namin na magiging mahirap ang taong darating, kayo na po ang bahala sa amin. 

Itinataas ko po ang lahat ng ito sa banal na pangalan ng Diyos… AMEN

“Do what I say but do not do what I do”

“Bakeet? Mestisa ka ba?”

“Ako lang ang nagsosoli ng manugang!”

“Buti naman at nagustuhan nyo ang bahay ko dahil kung hindi ora mismo ipapabago ko”

“Magulo pa kayo sa Bul_ _ _ (pubic hair)!”

” A good daughter-in-law, begets a good mother-in-law. ‘Di ako good, mestiza lng ako” 

These are the few words that I have encountered with my Mother-in-law and only she has the right to say… enough to brighten-up our day. She passed away last December 3, 2008 of multiple organ failure due to the full grown breast cancer that directly hits her liver crushing it enough to malfunction and disables its ability to perform vital roles in regulating, synthesizing, storing, secreting, transforming, and breaking down many different substances to properly circulate the nutrients inside the body. According to her doctor the cancer started 5 years ago, she felt it all along and since it doesn’t hurt she ignored the signs. After months of battling the BIG C, she raised the white flag and has gone to join our Creator, Lord and Master. During her battle Mommy, Manay, and Mestiza unleashed the strong person that she is. I know she was hurting, but she’s trying to hide it. I was one of the many well wishers that hopes that everything is gonna be alright. I love her so much like my own my mother. We never had a fight nor did i felt her resentment over me. I have 3 unforgettable moments with her that I will forever cherish in my life. 

First, on my wedding day. After the priest had pronounced me and my better half as husband and wife.  Mommy then approached me and whispered “Love my son and respect him, I’ll never ask you to do it  if I myself could give it to him.” I nodded while tears rolling down my cheeks.  Indeed with that I felt she has accepted me despite my not so fair skin, I never felt I was outcast. Mind you they are all mestiza and mestizo in the family. Glad I gave her fair skinned grandchildren (whew!).

Second, the birth of my first child. I gave birth via CS operation and have to leave my baby at the hospital for she needs to be taken care of 24 hours due to the infection she had acquired during our ordeal. We have no money to pay for the bills and asked for Dad & Mommy’s assistance, she told me “Just be sure that she looks like your dad or dudong (my husband’s pet name), and you will take care of her as much as you took care of my son”. So that’s it? Is that all? That was easy! Luckily my baby would not have the nick “Calay” for nothing, she’s exactly the carbon copy of my husband “Caloy”.

Third, during her wake. Many have come and expressed their sympathy. But I was so overwhelmed on how they expressed their love and gratitude over their “Manay” a name they fondly call her. I was moved by how she has touched their lives with her comic antics, straight forward comments, her friendly attitude, dedication and clean heart. “Ako ang gurong walang liban” she claimed, She would left the house at five in the morning, ‘ika nga nya “Tulog pa demonyo bumibiyahe na ‘ko”. During the days that we would visit her and took turns on taking care of her, she told me stories about how she and dad eloped, how they met, the so called escapades of my husband when he was younger, how she manage to provide 60 kids the chance to have a taste of a simple cheese on Christmas day, in exchange of a perfect attendance, how she learned how to cook for dad blah, blah… blah… blah. In short how she have lived life to the fullest. Every week we spend our time just talking about anything under the sun and moon till the wee hours of the morning. Sleepy as I am, I listened attentively… I don’t know if I just wanted to please her by listening or I just wanted to know more about her.  Little did I know that it was what I really wanted… what i really wished for… to be closer to her, to know more about her. I had my chance, but it was too soon. But I am happy with what we have shared at least I had the chance, and i felt it was more than enough to cherish for as along as I am alive. Enough time to know her, just enough to appreciate her…I miss her so much… I happened to see the beauty of life and be not afraid to die. With her positive attitude towards her ailment, she is the strongest person in the family during the her ordeal. She was the same jolly person despite her deteriorating health. She was full of life and claimed that she did everything her way… Yes she did it her way… 

To mommy, wherever you are I just want you to know that if I could go back in time and given a chance to change a bit of my life I wouldn’t change a thing. I’ll still marry your son… for I still want you to be my mother-in-law. You are the best Mother-in-law every daughter-in-law would want to have. And by the way thanks for calling me “anak” .You already know why… I told you about it and I am glad that I did. Just be still and stop worrying we are all doing fine. “kahit hindi ako mestiza, mestiza naman ang byenan ko… “ I love you mommy! Have a safe travel… Goodbye for now… we will see you in His time. 

We have suffered an immeasurable loss but her memories will always be remembered.

        Happy birthday to me… happy birthday to me… happy birthday, happy birthdayyyy… happy birthday to me. I’ll be turning 34 on saturday, a year older a year… a year… another year. 

         I am at the lowest point in my life, and funny whenever I felt I was at my loneliest moment that I have this urged to write how I feel. As my hubby would tell me over and over again “Mahal, why do you feel great whenever you write your grudges and pains?” And it made me realize that all my writtings were about how i fail, how hurt i was blah… blah… blah, as he always told me pang “Teleserye”. I’ll constantly tell him that there are moments in my life that i cannot express how I feel and it is thru my writings that I stumble upon the right words to equate my innermost feelings. Well, I am not I used to be. I feel worthless. It is because of my children that I still manage to be sane. There are things that I value in my life my children, my family and my husband… 

      Talking about my better half, I hope he knows how much i love him. That he is my life. That I regretted the times that I’ve been so hard on him. But sometimes I have to be firm, for just one look from him melts my heart. We lost the spark and all the glitters we hardly talk about anything and everything under the sun. I miss our times together way back, he misses me and i miss him too. Deep in my heart he’s still the one. I still believe that the love needs to be rekindled… But how? who will make the move? I hardly have enough sleep, i was thinking what went wrong? We use to be the best buddies in everything. We use to be the all for 1, 1 for all mate. We use to be so in love that we only have eyes for each other. We use to be the “ONE” for each other. And it was all gone… We need space, to rethink and reflect… I just hope that the space that we have created between us, be  filled with our memories to bridge the gap that was about to ruin our lives… someday, somehow I know there is hope… it’s the only thing left to hold on to… On my 34th bday i’ll blow my imaginary cake and wish that everything will be alright. I believe… I need to start believing again… you heard it right God, help me please… show me the way… 

Happy Birthday to me…

Tags: birthday, family, God, hubby, husband, kids, love, prayers

Sighs…. hayyy…. sighs… Isn’t it frustrating when you’re trying to accomplish something for the benefit of the persons around you or even yourself did not materialize? After gathering all the guts and will power to drop the bomb… you’ll get a next time reply.

Sometimes I would just like to think that there is a right time and right place for everything. Every saturday in our office Managers, supervisors and team heads are being lectured about the value of leadership, definite aim in life, focus… focus… etc., etc. Sure it did light the fire in me, to have a definite aim in life, to always plan ahead. A year ago i made a list of what i want to accomplish in 1 year time, specific goals i want to achieve. Mind you I listed a whopping 20 goals to achieve in one year WHEW!… I’m not a worrier person, I live day to day. But i was beginning to worry to a lot of things the moment I have my kids. With a career i love but not well paid. I stop doing the “What do i want to achieve at the end of the year” thing because all I got is depression and started questioning my ability to accept the abominable. I was always in denial to all the things that is bound to happen right before my eyes. Out of the 20 things that I wanted to achieve in 1 year i achieved only 1/4 of the 20 items… Meaning 5 things! And it was some kinda frustrating. Why? Because the 5 things are obviously achievable to the true sense of the word 1. to get up early and start the day right, 2. Cut down on cholesterol, sugar and MSG intakes, 3. Plan ahead 4. Love your work more 5. Go to church regularly. During my reflection I asked why? There are things in which i gave excuses due to present economic crisis, I mean c’mon it’s worldwide! Only then that I realized that outside entities are blocking my way to achieving my goal. That there are certain things that’s out of my control… they are roadblocks to success. It is that I didn’t do anything about it but it’s a reality. I am an underachiever I must admit… to the true sense of the word. In total exasperation all i can do is sigh. Reflect. Think. Accept.

Accept that many are called but few are chosen. Chosen to be at the top of the world. To be at the right place at the right time. After all the hardships and dedication, after all the who-am-I-gonna-chose between my job or my love ones. All I have is unpaid bills, and lots of worries. The rat race of life has been inevitable, chose to stay inside the race or work your way out. Inside the race opportunities awaits for the early birds. These birds are the so called COO’s of companies… meaning Child Of Owners. Damn I’m good!!! Yeah that’s it! It’s easier to talk inspirational words of wisdom to a crowd or comrade. You reminisce the old striving you in the past and gather all the failures and how you succeeded. It is easier for somebody or someone talking about the past how they manage to fight life’s adversity and be where they are now. Simply because they are inspired and they are overwhelmed of their achievements. And then associate this experiences and do the formula on how to be successful blah…blah…blah. But I envy them. I look up on them. They continue to inspire me. Don’t get me wrong the truth is I wanna be somebody someday. And do the math (yaikkksss, i hate math) err, do the formula and make my children the future COO’s. But, its true that the RICH GETS RICHER and the POOR GETS POORER. I wanna do my way up than down. I don’t wanna throw tantrums and blame someone or the government for not doing the right thing for their countrymen (in the first place they don’t wanna do it). As Dicky fox told at the end of the “Jerry Maguire” movie: “I failed as much as I succeeded, but I love my life, I love my wife (husband) I wish you my kind of life”. Meaning these are just part of the many failures in my life and that success is attainable. How I wish…

Nobyembre 19, 2007… eksaktong alas onse, singkwneta’y singko ng mapatigagal at maisip ko kayo. nagsimulang maglakbay ang aking isip sa nakalipas at nakita kong di ako naghanda sa pagdating nyo.

Katotohanang pilit kong tinatakasan. Kinakalimutan. Pilit binibigyan ng katwiran ang aking pagkukulang. Ang mga panahong wala akong oras sa inyo. Di ko nasilayan ang mga unang salita ni bunso. Kinagugulat ang bawat pagbabago sa buhay niya. Namangha ako sa kakayahan ng aking munting dalaga na kumanta at sumayaw sa karamihan ng tao. Sa kabila ng mga panahong wala ako para hubugin kayo, nakita kong lumalaki kayong may tiwala sa sarili nyo. Na di ko man laging sinasabi pero ipinagmamalaki ko kayo. Sa pagdaan ng panahon hayaan nyo akong ayusin ang dadaanan nyo… ibibigay ko ang lahat ng ikabubuti nyo… maunawaan nyo sana na kaya ako laging wala dahil gusto kong ibigay sa ainyo ang lahat-lahat. Na ialay sa inyo ang pinaka magandang buhay na naisin ng kahit sinong magulang.

Mga anak, makita nyo sana ang landas na tama tungo sa iyong mga pangarap. Lumaki sana kayong may takot sa Diyos at isang mabuting kristyano. Taglayin nyo ang prinsipyo ng katotohanan at tama. Maging mahinahon ngunit lumaban kung kinakailangan. Maging mapagbigay pero wag palalamang. Maging subersibo basta nasa katuwiran. Ipinangangako kong ibibigay sa inyo ang kalayaan sa lahat ng bagay, ngunit hayaan nyo sana akong maging gabay nyo sa pagdedesisyon sa mga bagay-bagay. Ibibigay ko ano mang naisin nyo kung meron naman tayo… hiling ko na manapa’y magtiis kung salat tayo. Napakaganda ng mundo, napakasarap mabuhay sa kabila ng pangit na lipunanag gagalawan nyo. Pero pagagandahin ko ang mundo nyo sa piling ko… namin ng tatay nyo. Taglayin nyo ang matuwid na prinsipyong nasa katauhan ko. Maging mabuting Pilipino sa bansang kinagisnan nyo,ipagmalaki ang lahi nyo at patuloy na ipaglaban ang mga karapatan nyo. Di ko man laging sinasambit pero mahal na mahal ko kayo higit pa sa buhay ko…

Tags: anak, babae, bata, lalaki

Ang hirap ng nararamdaman ko, di ko maipaliwanag ang iisipin ko… Ang masama pa nito naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko ginagawa ko ang lahat para pagsilbihan at pagbigyan ang iba ngunit ang mga nais ko di ko magawa. Bakit nga ba? Kasi ako ang tipo ng tao na madaling ibuhos ang sarili at lakas sa mga nakakasalamuha ko… madali akong magbigay ng isang daang porsiyento o higit pa sa kahit na anong bagay. Ano kaya tawag dun? Nagrereklamo ako pero patuloy akong gumagawa at umaasa na darating ang panahon lahat ng ito me kabuluhan. Nakakalungkot lang kasi iniisip ko ano pa ba ang di ko nagagawa para sa kanila? Ano pa ba pwede ko gawin para mapansin din? Tama bang tanggapin ko na lang ang lahat para madali ang pag-angat? Haaayyy… ang sakit ng puso ko! Madalas na ituran ko ng pabiro para matabingan ng pagkukunwari ang naglalamlam kong pag-asa… ang mga inaasahan kong di nagkaron ng kaganapan patuloy na nilalamon ng dilim, palayo sa kaganapan ng mga mithiin.

Ayokong umalis pero ayoko ding magtagal… ayokong me masaktan pero ayoko ding masaktan… ayokong me masambit na di tama pero di ko kayang manahimik at itikom ang bibig, magsuot ng maskarang magtatago sa tunay kong nararamdaman… ayokong me maramdamang inggit kahit harapan kong nakikita… ayokong maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko pero tao akong nasasaktan at me pakiramdam… Ayokong tumingin sa dumi ng iba dahil alam kong me sarili akong batik… Ayoko ng umasa dahil labis ang sakit… pero sabi ng puso ko patuloy akong kumapit sa pag-asa kasi yun na lang ang natitira…

Matatapos na ang taon, hudyat ng dagdag ng taon sa buhay ko. Susuriin ang nagdaang taon. May natapos ba ako? May pagbabago ba sa buhay ko? Meron naman… marami… Kung titingnan ko ang nagdaang taon di man naging mabunga ang mga sinimulan ko taas noo kong sasabihin sa kahit sinong di ako nagkulang sa inyo. Ibinigay ko ang kahulihulihan kong lakas para sa mga taong may kinalaman sa buhay at pagkatao ko. Haharapin ko ang susunod na taon at itutuloy ang mga plano ko ng nagdaang taon. Sa pagdating ng takipsilim sa aking buhay nais kong me balikan sa aking mga alaala na ito ang buhay ko… ganito ako nagtagumpay… ganito ako humarap sa kabiguan… ito ang mga pasakit ko… ito ang mga mithiin ko… di man nagkaron ng kaganapan… libre namang umasa e…

Proud Pinoy! I recently joined the logo competition of the www.proudpinoy.org. “A competition to design a “Proudly Pinoy” logo intended for placement on Filipino websites. The idea is to create a logo which expresses the pride of being Filipino, and which will allow a web site to elegantly declare its Philippine identity.” A battlecry that our company at In-A-Jiffy Enterprises the exclusive distributor of WOW! the best-selling magic sing has been campaigning for 3 years or so. I take pride as an employee for being a part in my own little way to promote the Philippines and it’s beautiful sceneries thru the picture backgrounds of the WOW! magic sing. I strongly believe in the idea of our big boss Sir AVS to show your love for your country be a tourism promoter. I hope that thru this i can show my love for our country… to be a PROUD PINOY! Chosen or not just merely by expressing my thoughts i know in my heart I am a winner… that’s what you call GUTS! hehehe….my entry is number 94, 111 (a.k.a. PenMouse). I’ve 3 entries… but i think it’s not yet uploaded…

as of this writing the entries are 124. Such great logos to look at, truly the filipinos are creative to the true sense of the word. Very competitive and world class. I personally like entry nos. 22,43, 52, 64, & 85. I think their logos are cool and with distinction of a Pinoy as the saying goes “TATAK PINOY”. I bet the judges would have a hard time choosing the best from the best. So Goodluck to the judges and to all the artist who joined “Mabuhay po kayo!”…

visit their site: www.proudlypinoy.org

Malapit lng ang bahay namin sa bahay ng aking mga magulang, madalas kahit malapit lng di ko pa sila nakikita, di ko sila nadadalaw. At madalas sila ang pumupunta sa amin upang silipin kami ng mga bata. Dadaan at hihiramin ang mga bata, maya-maya ibabalik din. May mga dalawampung hakbang lang yata mula sa amin hanggang sa bahay ng aking mga magulang.

Minsan naisipan kong pumunta upang makipaghuntahan sa aking orihinal na tagapagligtas bago ang aking asawa… ang aking AMA. Naabutan ko syang nasa parehas na lugar pa din ang paborito nyang upuan malapit sa kanyang opisi-opisinahang lamesa. Nagbabasa at nagmimiryenda ng paborito nyang Hopya at kape. Minsan ko na syang tinanong sa di ko maisip na kombinasyon na iyon. Tanging sagot nya “masarap sa panlasa ko e, di ko sya maialis sa araw-araw, para sa akin kung walng kape walang hopya”. Pinagmasadan ko sya sa layong mga tatlong dipa… nasabi ko ang tanda na pala ng tatay ko. Ang mga pisnging lagi kong hinahalikan nung bata ako e puno na ng kulubot at naging mas maitim pa sya lalo sa pagdaan ng panahon. Ang kanyang mga palad ay pinakapal na ng panahon. Ang kanyang mga balikat na dating matikas ay bahagyang bagsak na. Ang buhok n dating malago at kulay itim ay numipis na at may kulay puti na din. Pati ang paborito nyang tasa ay kumupas na din… hudyat ng maraming taon na pala ang nagdaan. Naisip ko tuloy napasaya ko ba sya bilang anak? Naibigay ko ba ang mga pangarap nya para sa akin? Kaya ko na ba pag nawala na sya? Ang sagot… siguro napasaya ko naman sya, siguro naabot ko ang mga inaasahan nya para sa akin, at kung mawawala sya… hindi ko pa kaya…. sa ngayon. Naisip ko tuloy ang tinuran nya tungkol sa Kape at Hopya… masarap sa panlasa, kung walang kape wala ding hopya. Dahil kung hindi dahil sa tatay ko wala din ako…sa mga susunod na araw pipilitin kong maging espesyal pag dindalaw ko sila. Sila ng aking INA… sila ang KAPE at HOPYA sa buhay ko.